Choices

I promised myself that in this blog I would tell the truth and not always try to put on a front. It’s hard to be honest about things when I know what people really want to hear is how everything is fine fine fine. But the truth is that right now things don’t feel so fine.

The worst part about Stage IV cancer is losing my independence and my choices. While friends my age are spending their 30s starting families or building successful careers, I have been dealing with surgeries and cancer and chemo. And there is no end in sight. I take these drugs and I feel like crap every day, buying myself time for. . . for what, exactly? At some point, my quality of life has to include feeling like I can have some kind of control. I have to have things in my life that I feel passionately about. I know that I am lucky in a lot of ways. But there are some days I would give anything to be able to take care of my own responsibilities and live a regular life.

I try really hard to not feel sorry for myself. To remember how lucky I am and how much worse some other people have it. But something in me has snapped and while I have never once cried about cancer before, today I can’t keep the tears from streaming down my face. I am telling myself that it is normal to experience some depression, that I should just accept it and let it go. But some sort of grief has settled around me now and it’s heavy and dark and stifling.

Sorry for the bummer post, but it’s just where I am at in this journey. And I don’t want this blog to give the impression that I’m always brave or positive or feeling good, because that’s so unrealistic. Let’s hope there are better days ahead.