After 48 hours, I’m already back on an airplane, having cut my trip in half. Why in the world would I leave this totally gorgeous and amazing resort? What is wrong with me?
I think I have lost my mind. Last night my whole body hurt, just laying in bed hurt so much I wanted to cry. And I am not a crier. I ended up going to dinner alone and it was beautiful out by the pool with all of the torches lit… But I was surrounded by couples and families. I started to get depressed about all the things I’m never going to have. It’s one thing to be single. It’s another to know that there are no possibilities. No one is ever going to fall in love with me, I will never get married, I will never have kids.
So I’m feeling sorry for myself when I get the news that Olga passed away after fighting breast cancer for almost 3 years. She has 2 little boys. She was only 34 years old. And she is the 6th woman on the message boards to die so far in March. None of them made it to the 3-year-mark. So as sad as I am for olga’s family, I’m even more afraid for myself. Do I have only a year left? Are these my last months of feeling good?
I hobble back to the room but my joints are stiff and my feet feel like they are burned on the bottom. I took percocet and ambien but there was no relief in sleep. The girls had planned a fishing trip for today so I was on my own. I got a pod by the pool, took Ativan, did what I could to stop the obsessive, intrusive thoughts. But I can’t lie still with that pain and I want to crawl out of my skin. I broke down sobbing by the pool. I just wanted to go home.
So here I am crying my way though a flight, I’m sure making the people around me uncomfortable. I feel terrible that I have ruined this vacation for myself, I’ve made Miranda and Tammy feel bad, I’ve wasted an expensive ticket my parents bought for me. I am humiliated that i can’t hold it together and I’ve let fear and pain and anxiety and depression take over. All I want to do is crawl under the covers in my own bed and sleep for days.
I’m sure that quitting the anti-depressant I’ve been on for five years is playing a roll here. I have insurance though my old employer via COBRA and they switched health care plans. The new one is not great for people who actually get sick. They denied my Lexapro prescription and I was just too tired to fight them on it. I’m on enough drugs, I figured I could let that one go. Boy was I wrong.
Why am I writing all of this? Because it’s better for me to just do it now and get it overwith. And now I can beg of each and every one of you to never mention it again. Please don’t ask me what happened, don’t ask me how my trip was, don’t even ask me how I’m feeling. I’ve been sucked into this dark hole now and I just want to be left alone. When the pain is under control and the anxiety has eased, I’m sure I’ll be able to come back around and be brave again.