I sit here with my calendar and my plane ticket to Florida next week and I wonder what I should be planning next. My 40th birthday is in six months and we are planning a big party. I’m thinking about summer weekends and trips and all the stuff I want to do. I am feeling good and treatment is going well, so why not do everything I can to have fun?
And then an online friend from the message boards passed away today. And I’m thrown again, wondering how these things happen so fast. Michelle and her husband finally got an RV in June, her dream for their retirement. She was on Gezmar and her tumor markers were dropping. In July she was driving around the country having a great time. She was feeling good and optimistic. And now, six months later, she is gone.
This is a story that I hear over and over again. My wonderful real-life friend Michelle Nelson should have been in Tuscany and not in the hospital last Autumn when she passed away. It just turns around so so fast. And it’s not fair.
I don’t want to borrow trouble. I don’t want to worry about what may or may not happen. But I also don’t want to naively plow through my days as if I have all the time in the world. And planning things 6 months in advance makes me anxious. I don’t know what the answer is, I don’t know how to walk this line of being optimistic yet realistic. I don’t know how far ahead I should be looking and planning and hoping for and sometimes I’m just plain scared. I guess that’s what Ativan is for, right?
I’m leaving for Orlando on Friday and after spending some time with family there and meeting the new baby Annalisa, I will be going to the Young Survior’s Coalition conference. Hopefully I will meet some other young women there that I can relate to and attend some good sessions, which might help me start making sense of things again. And if not, the conference is at Disney World so maybe Micky Mouse will have all of the answers for me.